So, you DON’T LIKE SILENCE?! I didn’t either…
Have you ever used the phrase, “I don’t like silence”?
Well, I certainly have…
And when I touted the benefits of spending time in silence at a recent speaking gig, I was met with scoffs and even a “what do you expect me to do? Stare at a wall?” (he was joking - fortunately)…
But it led me to wonder, why do some of us do all we can to avoid spending time in silence?
We put on music.
We turn on the TV.
Heck, I have even had a workout, movie, and music playing simultaneously at times—true story! And I used to tell myself that it’s because of the fact that I hate being able to hear the proximity of my neighbors.
I hear their dogs. I hear them slamming cabinets and doors. I hear them walking around like elephants. What can I say? My apartment complex was built by someone who - apparently - didn’t believe in insulation.
But, I’ve been someone who said, “I don’t like silence” long before I lived where I do now. So, what are the reasons?
#1
We feel it’s not a productive use of our time.
Especially as high-achievers, so many of us are so driven by productivity. It’s how we feel worthy, enough, and like we’re making an impact. Not only that, but there is a lot of societal pressure to be productive.
Hell, I posted a reel on Instagram about how not engaging in your hobby can be a form of self-care in and of itself. The first comment I got? Someone who said, “and this is why so many people are average rn.” Damn trolls…but it also is a great example of the kind of societal pressure there is to “do something” with our time at all times.
#2
Solitude is vilified in society.
Okay, I will acknowledge that vilified might be an extreme word to use here, but think about it! From hermits to crazy cat ladies to solitary confinement and kids getting put in time out, we either make fun of people who spend time by themselves OR we societally look at solitude as punishment.
I mean, I even see a lot of stuff online about how togetherness and socializing is what we are biologically programmed to do, and I’m not knowing that information. We absolutely do need that social component of our lives. We are social beings and a lack of connection can breed loneliness, but we have taken it to such extremes that we feel the need to be out and about at all times.
Lastly, singleness. My family has made it known to me enough that my single status is seen as somehow detracting from all that I’ve achieved in my life. Why am I still single? Why don’t I prioritize dating more? I guess I’m over here thinking, why should I prioritize it more? I’m happy and very content with my life. That’s not to say I wouldn’t be with someone if the opportunity presented itself and I met someone that was worth being with, but I don’t seek out low-quality relationships and dates just to fill my time. And research has agreed with me. Check out this Guardian article about how women are happier without children or a spouse. I’m not saying that my way is the best way or we should choose to be alone, but I am saying that we constantly say that being alone is a bad thing.
#3
Busyness is a wonderful distraction.
We distract ourselves with our busyness. Whether that busyness is music, TV, menial tasks around our house, etc. Those things serve as a wonderful distraction because, frankly, most of us aren’t comfortable with being alone or in quiet. We don’t like where our brains go. We don’t like the insecurities, fears, concerns, etc. that come from the surface. Hell, I’m a firm believer that many of us overwork not because we’re high-achieving, because our companies force us to, etc. but because we’re numbing and avoiding things.
Think about it: why do you always feel the need to keep your hands busy? Why do you turn on the TV or radio every single time you’re in quiet? Where are you afraid of your brain going? I think that’s a big reason why we don’t like quiet. We don’t like where our brains go in silence.
#4
Being alone is confused with loneliness.
Perhaps it’s because of what I said above and how we’re constantly being told we “should” be out doing things and spending time with people, but I think for a lot of us we confuse being alone with loneliness. In actuality, they’re two VERY different things.
I always joke that I’m #teamneverbored and say that only boring people get bored. That’s simply me being sassy and perhaps a little snarky, but I guess I say that because I’m very good at keeping myself entertained. I’m highly independent to the point that my mom jokes that I’ve been independent since I could walk. It’s a part of my personality. So, when I’m by myself—even through the vast majority of quarantine—I don’t have a problem with it. I just entertain myself…
I watch movies
I paint
I play the piano
I sing to a karaoke app on my phone
I read a fiction book
I am a ninja at finding things to do and keeping myself entertained. It’s a big reason why I lyric in a song I wrote YEARS ago was “there’s a big difference between being lonely and just alone.” Because—and I’m being honest with myself—even those I live by myself, work from home, and spend the vast majority of my time alone, I don’t feel lonely.
#5
we don’t like where our brains go in silence
I know - I’ve already said this one. But it bears repeating because I think this is the biggest reason why so many of us say we “don’t like silence".
But, why is it beneficial to spend more time in silence?
Why do we NEED it?
There’s a lot of different reasons for this. First and foremost, silence gives our brains a much-needed break. Getting time in silence gives us multiple different forms of silence (which I talk more about here)—mental rest and sensory rest. Mental rest is really important for those of us who do knowledge work (basically all of us at this point) and sensory rest is crucial because we are getting bombarded with sensory stimulation all day every day. It can be really exhausting!
Silence also could help lower your blood pressure. Burnout and high levels of stress have been linked to high blood pressure, so I’m guessing this is something that is on a lot of our radars. There was a study in 2006 that actually found that sitting in silence for 2 minutes after listening to music significantly reduced heart rate and blood pressure, even compared to relaxing music. In a nutshell, silence had great heart health benefits. Similarly, a 2003 study associated chronically noisy environments with higher heart rate and blood pressure.
Silence can also increase productivity by improving concentration and focus. This study was super interesting and it’s new! It’s from 2021 and in it, they had participants do a task that required concentration with either silence, speaking or other noises in the background. In a nutshell, the people in silence had the least cognitive load (ie. the amount of working memory we’re using at any given time, which can contribute to overwhelm burnout) and the lowest stress levels. It’s also been shown to possibly stimulate brain growth—well, at least in animals.
Silence sparks creativity. I was pumped to see that there are studies (here and here if you’re interested) that demonstrate this, but this is one that I’ve experienced firsthand. I come up with most of my best ideas when I have white space in my day: when I’m on walks, when I just let myself lie down and relax, etc.
Silence is good for our mental health and stress. We’ve likely all experienced racing thoughts, right? That sort of analysis paralysis and inability to turn off that keeps us up at night? Well, silence is—perhaps quite obviously—a gateway to mindfulness, which has been proven to have benefits for things like anxiety. Additionally, a clinical psychologist has stated that, “an accumulation of unpleasant noise can lead to mental stress and an excess release of cortisol.” Cortisol is our stress hormone.
Silence can improve sleeplessness and insomnia. Obviously, quiet (or at least the lack of abrupt noise) is important for sleep, but it’s actually been shown that quiet throughout the day has benefits for improving rest at night.
But, how do we get more silence in our busy, overwhelming lives?
I can tell you some of my go-to ways…
Meditation. If you know me at all you could’ve guessed that I would say this one. I’m a fan of meditation for a lot of things: training you to embrace quiet, appreciate silence, and train your brain that it doesn’t have to react to every thought you have.
Journaling. That way if you do have thoughts come up that you need to deal with—or you are afraid of where your brain goes in silence—you can at least channel those unwelcome thoughts into something productive and seek to understand them.
Practice being alone. If you’re constantly seeking other people, just spending an afternoon or a little bit more time in the morning simply in your own company can be tremendous.
Schedule a monthly date with yourself. If being in your own company just doing nothing sounds terrible, take yourself out on a date. To a coffee shop. To lunch or dinner. Whatever! Sometimes doing things by ourselves can teach us to embrace being alone.
Rid in your car without the radio. Turn off your radio. Turn off the podcast. Take the opportunity to be present in the moment (and maybe listen to see if your car is making weird noises—like mine!)
Turn off background noise during household tasks. I love a good movie or Spotify playlist just as much as the next person. Seriously. But try taking a break from them instead.
Go for a headphones-free walk. Sometimes we put our headphones in purely out of habit. What if instead we simply took a break from that? Simply walks around without earphones to stop that constant stimulation in our lives?
Start early. Wake up before everyone else. Don’t just grab your coffee and go to kick off your day. Wake up before the perpetual noise and interruptions of the day can overtake the solitude. It could be 15 minutes, 30 minutes, or 5. Just be the early bird and start small.