Broken Boundaries? DO NOT Say This….

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Boundaries are hard. Probably one of the hardest things we do and that we talk about when it comes to burnout and stress management.

It’s hard to know what to say to communicate a boundary to someone that’s breaking it. It’s hard to do it in a way that is assertive but doesn’t cause a rift with that person. It’s easy to say “but it’s not about them,” and set our boundaries as we wish, but for most of us, our inner people-pleaser takes over and we struggle to know what to say or do.

But what about once the boundary is set? What about then? What if someone continues to break out boundary even after we’ve communicated it to them? How do we handle that situation?

Well, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I have opinions about this, and the one thing I do not think we should say is this: “it’s okay.”

This hit me a couple of years ago. I had a friend who friend from my time spent on Remote Year who kept scheduling a call with me, canceling, and rescheduling at the last minute to another time (often when I wasn’t available). I’d asked her not to do that. I’d communicated why. But, she just kept doing it. So, each time she would come back with an “I’m so sorry…” and another reason why she needed to change the time, I felt myself about to say my standard “it’s okay” but then I realized something that hit me like a ton of bricks…

It actually wasn’t okay.

No part of it was okay. And I was pretty upset with the fact that she kept breaking my boundaries and kept disrespecting my time—which is what it all felt like. But, I wanted to acknowledge that I did appreciate her apology. So, instead of saying “it’s okay”—which felt like an invalidation of my feelings and my boundary—I said, “Thank you. I appreciate your apology.”

why do we always say “it’s okay” when it’s not okay?

I remember talking to my mom about this and her response was something along the lines of, “Well, that must be a generational thing!” She just could not get on board with the idea of not saying “It’s okay.”

But me? I’ve gotten to the point where I really don’t say it’s okay a lot anymore—except in a few situations. To me, saying it’s okay dismisses the situation, invalidates my emotions, and—quite literally—tells that person that what they did was “okay”. If saying “it’s okay” doesn’t feel good to you, well, then it’s probably not okay! Whatever they did is not okay in your brain. Don’t say it is!

This is especially true if this person is a repeat offender.

Like the friend I mentioned above, oftentimes the very people in our lives that are disrespecting our boundaries are what I call “repeat offenders.” Does anyone else notice that? That your boundaries are often getting broken by the same people over and over again? I certain do. And that’s why I’ve come to think that this language is so important.

Perhaps the reason why they’re doing this—why they’re breaking your boundary over and over again—is because each time they do, you’re telling them that it’s okay! If it’s not okay, we’ve got to stop telling them that it is. Only then will that break the cycle of boundary violations.

If someone isn’t a repeat offender, then make a judgment call. If they’ve never broken the boundary before or if they’re extremely remorseful, then perhaps we can say it’s okay.

Let me give you another example, in my day job, I take every effort I can to communicate my work hours and my days off. I have out of office responders. I have it as a part of my email signature. I have notifications just about everywhere I can. I have one family that consistently contacts me on my day off. Like the only time they ever contact me is on Saturdays. I’ve stopped saying it’s okay when they preface their message with “I know it’s your day off but…” or “I know I’m within the 48-hour cancellation deadline but…” If someone has done that over and over again, it stops being something that’s okay in my book.

However, I have another family that I’ve worked with for a very long time. They never text me before my work hours or on my day off. Then, a couple weekends ago they did. And the mom? She immediately followed the text up with, “Oh my gosh! It’s your day off! I totally forgot. Please wait until you get back to work tomorrow…”

That’s the difference. Someone who is clearly abusing the system vs. someone who isn’t. There’s a difference in my book—an important one!

So, what should we not say when our boundaries are broken? “It’s okay,” especially when it’s not okay!

Do you have anything to add?
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