How to BUILD Boundaries that WORK
Aw, Boundaries...
The shit that, frankly, should be taught in school!
Because - I’ll be honest - I don’t consciously remember
hearing about boundaries until my mid-to-late twenties…
And that’s INSANE to me!
When I kept thinking of what I wanted my 5 keys of intuitive achievement, I figured that boundaries would make it’s way in somewhere, but I didn’t know where. Perhaps it would be a sub-step to a larger one, but I never quite thought it would be a step in and of itself.
Haha what an idiot I was…
Not an idiot…that’s harsh! But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that boundaries couldn’t be put under some larger step. They had to be a step all their own because they truly are just that important!
But, how do we even do boundaries? How do we figure out what boundaries we need? And perhaps most importantly, once we do figure those questions out, how do we go about setting them? How do we go about making sure that people abide the boundaries that we create?
But, before I get into that, I’ve been thinking bout the things that often burn us out—the causes of burnout, if you will—and these steps we can take to intentionally take our lives back! What I ultimately came up with were 5 pillars and 5 causes of burnout that, if we can overcome them, will help us to make burnout a choice in our lives, too! They are…
The 5 Causes of Burnout in Achievers…
A LACK OF CLARITY & SELF-AWARENESS - here
A LACK OF SELF-CARE SELF-CARE - here
A LACK OF PRODUCTIVITY - here
A LACK OF BOUNDARIES - this post!
A LACK OF ANTI-HUSTLE HABITS - Coming Soon!
Boundaries 👏🏻 Are 👏🏻 Hard 👏🏻
So, in this post, I’m going to try to set you up for success by walking you through 3 very important things when it comes to boundaries…
That there are 9 different types of boundaries
How to know what types of boundaries you need
How to communicate those boundaries to others (hopefully in a way that doesn’t piss off the people in your life)…
That’s what we’re going to dive into today. So, let’s get into it…
THE 9 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES…
This has become a pattern, with me, I know, but I’m big on defining things and really leveling up our knowledge and understanding. That’s why you’ve probably noticed a common theme in my posts and content…
I’ve broken down the different types of burnout…
I’ve broken down the different types of self-care…
And now we’re diving into the different types of boundaries. I’m a big believer that awareness - and in this case, the awareness that comes from knowledge - is the first step. By knowing these distinctions, we can better pinpoint where we’re at and therefore what we need in our lives to better ourselves, make changes, and improve.
Boundaries can be classified in the following ways…
Relational - These boundaries involved our expectations for the treatment and communication we receive in our relationships. If we get extremely triggered by someone yelling at us or someone calling us names, it’s because they have overstepped a relational boundary.
Emotional/Personal - These boundaries relate to how you speak to yourself and how much you prioritize yourself. In a lot of ways, your emotional/personal boundaries and how often you let yourself violate them are a reflection of your self-worth. Violated emotional or personal boundaries can make you feel like you’re deprioritizing yourself and not making enough time for yourself (in work, relationships, and mindsets!). Sound familiar, my high-achieving friends?
Physical Boundaries - These boundaries relate to personal space violations and respect of physical living space. They can also be in relation to physical contact. like whether you’re a hugger or handshake.
Professional - These boundaries relate to expectations you might have for work relationships, job responsibilities, the time commitment of your job, etc. For example, you might have a professional boundary that you don’t discuss significant others at work OR perhaps you’re a manager and your professional boundary is that you don’t connect with your employees on social media. You may have a professional boundary around NOt working weekends or checking your email outside of work hours. All of those are professional boundaries.
Financial - Financial boundaries refer to expectations that you have when it comes to budgeting, spending, financial responsibility, credit card usage, debt, savings, etc. If you’re married, these boundaries might also bleed into how you and your spouse/SO separate your money. I definitely think of creating a budget - and how tightly you adhere to that budget - are financial boundaries.
Health - These boundaries are very personal. They refer to expectations for how you should treat your body, how your body should look, how you should be eating/exercising, and what is and isn’t allowed in terms of nutrition, sleep habits, hydration, etc. Your health boundaries also include your mental and emotional health and your behaviors/expectations there.
Organizational/Time- Boundaries around time refer to understanding your priorities and ensuring that you’re setting aside enough time for those areas without overcommiting. It might refer to the amount of quality time you spend with others, exercising, time alone in your own hobbies, time with your significant other, etc.
Digital - Digital boundaries are definitely on the newer side. They might refer to the sharing (or not sharing) of passwords, accounts, digital devices, the amount of time spent on your phone, etc.
Sexual - Sexual boundaries are your expectations in sexual relationships, what is/is not okay intimately, and the behavioral expectations you have inside of your relationship. Tolerance of cheating, for example, is likely a boundary. It may also include how your significant other is allowed to talk to you. It might also mean expectations of support.
This is step 1 when it comes to boundaries: understanding all the different types of boundaries and how they might be incorporated into your life. But, how that you have an understanding of what types of boundaries there are, let’s move into our next step…
What types of boundaries do you need?
Now that we know what boundaries are, how can we know when we might need a boundary? What are some of the signs of that?
In my experience, those signs can look a little bit different depending upon what we’re talking about. Some of the emotional and physical signs that might come up that would indicate you may need to create (+ communicate) a boundary are:
Feeling disrespected or like “a line was crossed”
Anger or frustration at yourself or another person
Blame, guilt, or shame
Ex: Wanting to say no OR wanting self-care time
Feelings of selfishness or anxiety
Overwhelm and feeling like you have “no time for yourself”
Fear (of a “no”, of disappointment, or of rejection
Muscle tension (especially in your shoulders, back, neck, or wherever you carry stress)
Exhaustion & fatigue
Weight gain or loss
Appetite changes
Insomnia
Substance abuse
Any other “numbing” behaviors—social media, TV, etc.
These triggers might be coming from a particular person, a lack of self-accountability, not adhering to something you want, a particular situation, or a lack of alignment with your values.
For example, a client of mine felt incredibly triggered, frustrated, angry, and depressed in relation to a board that she was a part of in her work. The more she talked about it, the more I realized that this board and how it operated was in direct conflict with some of her values, namely her values of freedom, respect, and inclusion. She was being triggered by what felt dismissive to her!
It might feel like a no duh kind of a situation, but how often do we feel ourselves getting frustrated or angry about situations and never saying them, dismissing ourselves as being too sensitive? What if, perhaps, it’s a boundary that is being violated! And it frankly doesn’t matter if the boundary is seemingly “small” or if it’s massive and obvious…if something is pissing us off that profoundly, it’s an important boundary for us to consider.
So, ask yourself, what’s a part of your life where you might need better boundaries? What are the concerns, frustrations, or other emotional signs that come up there? What boundary might you need?
We determine what boundaries we need by a) knowing what signs to look for, and b) being self-aware enough to see those signs in ourselves! Yup, my friend, we’re looping back to the clarity pillar (which you can learn more about here) because, yes, knowing what boundaries you need requires clarity!
But, once you know what your boundaries are…it doesn’t stop there! You have to communicate those boundaries…otherwise, they don't really matter!
How to Communicate Your Boundaries (without Pissing People Off)
I’ve set a lot of boundaries in my lifetime, and, I’ll be the first to admit, that it hasn’t always been pretty. Sometimes, the process of setting a boundary ends up pissing people off.
And, frankly, that’s something important to know from the get-go! In the process of setting boundaries, it’s entirely likely that you’ll piss some people off. Why? Because there are people that are benefiting from you not having boundaries.
The coworker who always asks at the last minute if you can do something for them? They’re benefiting from the fact that you can’t say no…
The friend who always cancels on you last minute that you feel SO disrespected by? They’re benefiting from the fact that you’ve never told them how much it irks you! They think it’s okay!
When I first started setting boundaries, I’ll admit, I did piss a lot of people off. I pissed my brother off when I told him to ask me before borrowing my stuff. It seems reasonable, right? But he was benefiting from the convenience of not having to ask.
I pissed a former friend of mine off when I asked her to stop canceling on me last minute and that I didn’t appreciate it. It pissed her off and our friendship dissolved.
These situations showed me that, yes, people do get angry when you start setting boundaries with them, but, how can communicate your boundaries without that? Without putting someone off?
Here’s my 4 step process:
Establish the context. Say something like “When _______ happens…”
Describe what you’re feeling. “It makes me feel ______ …”
It’s important in this situation to ensure that you NOT say “You made me feel…”. This feels like blame and puts people on defensive…
Instead, ensure that you’re using “I” language and purely focusing on things from your perspective.
Take perspective. Saying something like “I know that wasn’t your intention” assumes positive intent, which makes people more receptive to your follow-up. It’s also important to avoid saying “but” in these situations. I’m a firm believe that when we say “but” that it negates everything that came before it. For example, if we say “I know that wasn’t your intention, but…” the word “but” makes it feel like you didn’t mean the beginning of the sentence.
Make the ask. Here is where set your boundary. You can say something like, “Next time, I would prefer…” OR “What I need in this situation is…”
For example, I used to get really pissed off when my parents would say things to me like “when are you going to get a real job?” when I was working as an independent contractor for a manuscript preparation company. I was making better money than I had ever made working in science and yet to them they kept making fun of my job. Every time it happened, I would get SO ANGRY! So, I finally used this framework to communicate this to them. It looked like this…
‘When you guys tell me that the work I’m doing is “not a real job”, I feel incredibly frustrated and like, no matter what, my job will never be respected, appreciated, or seen as good enough.
I know that wasn’t your intention. Moving forward, I would appreciate it if you woudn’t refer to my job or my business as not a ‘real job.’
This dialogue ended up opening to door to a really productive conversation where my parents shared their perspective and I shared mine.
Oh - and they never used the phrase “real job” to me again.
Yes, boundaries are SO hard. But if we can start by knowing what boundaries are and what boundaries we need, and then we use a framework like this one to communicate our boundaries, we not only set the right boundaries but we communicate them in an effective AF way…
And that is a GREAT process for building boundaries that work!
