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Summary

In this episode, I want to do something a little bit different because TODAY is my 35th birthday. It looks so different than I thought it would, but instead of dwelling on that, I want to reflect. I want to reflect on my 5th birthday and some of the lessons I've learned in 35 years. These lessons cover a wide range of topics, including burnout, body image, unexpected life paths, the passage of time, self-care, learning and growth, stress relief, relationships, boundaries, and the importance of rest. So, let's dive into it...

For show notes, head to⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠coachellyn.com/podcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, and, of course, follow me on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠OR check out my ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠YouTube Channel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for more!

Keywords

burnout, body image, unexpected life paths, time, self-care, learning, growth, stress relief, relationships, boundaries, rest, authenticity, nature, reasons, excuses, small changes

Some Takeaways

• Burnout can be a catalyst for personal growth and self-discovery.

• Appreciate and accept your body for where it is, even if it's not perfect.

• Embrace the unexpected and be open to new opportunities.

• Time flies as you get older, so make the most of each moment.

• You have the power to give yourself what you need.

• Walking and spending time in nature can be powerful stress relievers.

• Continual learning and growth can take many forms.

• Shame and guilt are not effective motivators for change.

• You can work a lot without burning out by prioritizing self-care and alignment with your values.

• Any movement counts as movement, and self-care looks different for everyone.

• The best friendships are often low-maintenance and built on trust.

• Taking risks and facing fears can lead to the most rewarding experiences.

• Social media is not a true reflection of reality, and comparison is unproductive.

• Investing in your health is one of the most worthwhile investments you can make.

• Taking time for rest and relaxation is just as important as working hard.

• Setting and enforcing boundaries is essential for personal well-being.

• Change should come from a place of authenticity, not loneliness or external pressure.

• Being alone is different from feeling lonely, and both can be valuable experiences.

• Less is often more, and simplicity can bring greater contentment.

• Your inner critic does not define you, and you have the power to silence it.

• Differentiating between reasons and excuses can help you make better choices.

• Rest ethic is just as important as work ethic for overall success and happiness.

• Not everyone is worth changing or changing for, and that's okay.

• Your favorite moments don't always need validation on social media.

Sound Bites

"Burnout is the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Appreciate my body for where it's at, even if it's not perfect."

"The things that weren't part of the plan were often the best moves I've ever made in my life."

Resources

• Take the “What’s Your Burnout Type?” Quiz

• Check out my NEW program Burnout-Proof Business!

Do you have anything to add?
Drop a comment below…

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TRANSCRIPT:

Hello, my friend and welcome back to another kickass new episode of the Burnout Proof Podcast. Today, we are going in a little bit of a different direction. Obviously, we talk about burnout a lot on this podcast. We talk about things that are tangentially related to burnout on this podcast. We talk about productivity and mindset and talk about business. And I've got so many interviews coming up that I'm so excited to share with you. I did, I posted something on threads about doing podcast swaps with people and I got a lot of interest. I've got a lot of interviews coming up.

that I'm going to space out probably over the rest of the year. But today I wanted to do something different. Today I wanted to go in a little bit of a different direction. I am turning 35 this month, and actually this podcast is being released, though it's being recorded a little bit early. This podcast is being released on my 35th birthday. Today, as you were listening to this probably, I am turning 35 and I...

I thought I would be in a very different place by my 35th birthday. Honestly, I thought I'd be in a very different place by my 30th birthday. But as we all know, life, A, never works out the way we think it's going to. And B, I feel like my perspective when I was younger on turning 35 or turning 30 was just so different on what life is actually like at 35 or at 30. It's just so different. And so what I wanted to do today,

Instead of focusing on the ways in which it's different, the ways in which I'm not where I thought I would be or where I wanted to be in, I'm sure we can all do that every single work day that we have about all the places and all the things that aren't where we want them to be in our life. Instead, what I thought would be fun is to reflect on 35 lessons learned in 35 years, to share 35 little kernels of wisdom that I've learned over the course of the last 35 years and how those lessons came about.

quick punchy little stories, because honestly, 35 lessons in 35 years, damn, that could be like a couple hour podcasts. And I'm not here for that, and I know you're not either. So let's go ahead and let's dive into this. What are 35 lessons I've learned in 35 years? And the first is that burnout is the best thing that ever happened to me. I know we're starting spicy with these lessons, but honestly, that was one of the first things I thought of, because burning out in grad school as...

Ellyn Schinke (02:13.796)

as crappy as it was at the time and as much as I, you know, still struggle in it on occasion with my mindset and all of the behaviors and things that I do related to burnout, I do still think that burnout is the best thing that ever happened to me because I would be at a very different place in my life. You know, some might argue in some situations that I might be at a more successful place, a better place. Maybe I would have found my person by now because I wouldn't have spent the last eight years ping ponging all over the world and doing all sorts of random crazy stuff and...

not really being settled in my life, but I feel more aligned in my life now. And I feel like I know myself so much better. And honestly, I credit burning out for giving me that because I wouldn't have started doing things differently. I wouldn't have started doing the personal growth and the, you know, questioning my beliefs and my behaviors and my patterns. I wouldn't have started doing any of that if not for my experiences with burnout. So that is the first lesson. The second is that I need to appreciate my body for where it's at.

even if it's not perfect. This is going to be an all over the place episode today. These are not all going to be related to burnout, to stress, to business, relationships. We're going to run the gamut of topics today because the more I brain dumped out these lessons, the more I realized that the lessons were so diverse. And this one is really about body and body image. I realized recently, probably like a month or two ago, that I always look back on my body and I wish I appreciated how good I looked back in those instances.

We went on a family vacation to Hawaii a couple years ago for my cousin's wedding. And I remember I didn't feel good in my skin at the time. And I look back on those pictures and I'm like, God, I look so good. I wish I could have appreciated it. I look back on 2018 that I spent abroad on remote year. I didn't feel good about myself at the time, but I look back now and I'm like, my God, I looked so good. I wish I appreciated it. And I think it's taught me that my view of my body is skewed and I always need to take it with a grain of salt.

because the fact of the matter is I see myself differently than how I actually look. And as much as I can say that, you know, well, I need to work on seeing myself as I am, I don't know if that's possible. I don't know if I ever will be able to see myself in this unbiased way. So for now, I think the lesson is realizing that I need to appreciate my body for where it's at and that I always need to take how I see myself with a grain of salt. So that's lesson number two.

Ellyn Schinke (04:37.572)

Lesson number three, the things that weren't part of the plan were often the best moves I've ever made in my life. You know, exhibit A, dropping out of grad school, like leaving my PhD. I never, ever, ever planned on becoming a PhD dropout. I never, ever, ever planned on owning a business and being an entrepreneur. I never planned on traveling to speak. I thought it would be cool. Like there's probably some like harebrained part of my mind that was like, it'd be cool to speak on stages and have people fly me places.

But like that never was part of the plan. That was not something I actively pursued. And yet that's my life and my lifestyle. And I'm so grateful for it. Even the relationships in my life that weren't part of the plan that I, you know, maybe I initially met that person and I'm like, you're really not my type. They were often some of the best moves that I made. And even if that relationship didn't turn out the way I wanted to, it taught me a lot in like all sorts of really good ways. So.

learned to be a little bit more accepting of the fact that my plans are not always the best things for me and that if something's off plan that's not necessarily bad thing. Number four, lesson number four is that time really does fly as you get older. I remember my parents saying this when I was young and just being like that's BS, that's completely untrue, but it seems like yesterday that I turned 30. I was such a dork. I remember

My parents asked me what is something that I wanted on my birthday. They didn't want like any particular dessert. And you know what I asked for? I asked for big number balloons. I wanted balloons that said 30, like big balloons that said 30. Cause I never had like big number of balloons on my birthday before. And it was just something that was kind of dumb that I, that I wanted and that I just thought sounded good. And that was five years ago now. And I don't know where that time went. Like it really is painting a new perspective for me. The older I get that.

I really can't take time for granted because that time's gonna pass so fast. I can't even believe it's May already this year. Like it feels like I was just in January celebrating, you know, a hundred podcasts and five years in my business and having such a big speaking month that year. Like where is the time going? Time really does fly as you get older. And it's really just teaching me that I need to appreciate it. Number five is, and actually I recently wrote a newsletter about this. It's the realization that I can always give myself what I need. Like always.

Ellyn Schinke (06:59.46)

I can give myself what I need. If I need adventure, I can give myself that. If I need rest, I can give myself that. If I need discipline, I can give myself that. If I need intimacy, I can give myself that. If I need emotional stability, I can give myself that. There are so many things. I think I've realized more and more, people used to say all the time, control the controllables, especially like early in COVID.

And it really taught me that there's actually so much more that I am in control of in my life than I ever realized that it is on me and I can make those decisions. I also need to have a lot of grace with myself because I'm going to screw up. Absolutely. But I have a lot more control than I think I do about the outcomes in my life and the way my life is going. And if I can embrace that and see that, that's a way more empowering place to come from. Number six, when you're stressed, go on a walk.

That's been my other lesson. When you're stressed, go on a walk. Walking is my miracle fix when I am feeling overwhelmed or frazzled or stressed out. So when you're stressed, go on a walk. That was nice, simple to the point. Lesson number seven, always be learning, growing, and improving. And also a caveat with this is realizing that sometimes learning, growing, and improving looks different. Sometimes it's taking a class and paying a couple hundred dollars to do something. Sometimes it is about learning about myself, and sometimes it's about just journaling and slowing down.

I'm realizing that learning and growing and improving doesn't always have to be this pedal to the metal, read 50 books every single year or you suck. Sometimes it can be reading memoir slowly and really taking them in and journaling on what I learned. Like I've realized learning and growing and improving can look so different. It's still learning and growing and improving, but it doesn't have to be the way that I used to think about it, which was read all the books and never implement anything, if I'm being honest. Number eight, lesson number eight, which...

This hopefully is a good lesson because that's my favorite number. You can always find transferable skills in any field or position to any new field or position. This is something that I think when I was writing this one out, I was reflecting on my career change and how I left science. And I didn't think that I would be able to figure that out. Like I didn't, leaving science was really, really rough for me in terms of making an identity shift, but it was also really scary for me because the time investment that I already made and thinking I had all these skills and like,

Ellyn Schinke (09:17.348)

where are those skills gonna be applicable again? But honestly, more and more I've been finding it is a benefit to me as a coach to be a former scientist. It is a benefit to me in the work that I do and the way that I think to be a coach. Like it is so, like there's so many skills that I have and ways in which I was taught to think as a scientist that actually benefit me in the work that I do now. And it really has shown me more and more and more that you can always find transferable skills. Like...

You should never just stay in a field because that's the only field you know, because your skills are transferable in whatever other fields you might be looking at too. Number nine, burnout is a choice. This is something that I used to say all the time in my business and I frankly still believe with all of my heart and soul and I need to start saying more, as controversial as it might be, I do believe burnout is a choice. And not because we want to be burned out. I don't think we are actively choosing burnout, but I think when I say burnout is a choice,

I realized more and more that I am the person who when I have burnout in my life, like when it happened in fall 2023, I did that to myself. That was the result of the choices that I was making. Even in my business, when my business is burning out, it is the result of the choices that I'm making. In science, it was the result of the choices that I was making. Burnout is a choice because it is the result of the choices that we are making. And...

we have to and I think that's a really empowering place to come from frankly because when we realize it's about the choices we're making we realize that we can also choose differently and I think that's a beautiful beautiful part of burnout and overcoming burnout is it can be empowering to realize that I don't have to choose this. So number nine burnout is a choice. Lesson number 10 any movement counts as movement. I have been realizing this more and more and more as I've been getting older. You know self -care in my 20s and self -care in my 30s they look so different.

Self -care in my 30s does not look like self -care in my 20s did. It's a lot softer. It's a lot more holistic. It's a lot more slowed down. And I've been really, really growing and learning to appreciate that movement doesn't have to look how I always thought movement looked. Movement doesn't have to mean, you know, hitting the gym six days a week. Movement doesn't have to mean that I'm literally like running myself into the ground. Otherwise it doesn't count.

Ellyn Schinke (11:29.412)

Like that's just not what movement is to me anymore. Any movement counts as movement. Any movement counts as self care, counts equally to going and hitting the gym. It all counts. And that I think has been a big lesson that I've learned as well. Lesson number 11, shame doesn't work. And I've realized this more and more. I really feel like I'm applying it to myself, that shaming myself into doing something and guilting myself into doing something.

It doesn't work because it never feels good to do. It always feels out of alignment when it comes from a place like that. It doesn't feel aligned with my values when it comes to a place like that. I think what I've learned is if I'm resisting something, if I'm not doing something, if I'm not showing up to doing something, instead of just like feeling like I have to crack the whip to get myself to do it, it often helps so much more to just try to understand where is this coming from? Why am I behaving the way I'm behaving? Why might that person be behaving the way that they're behaving, you know, to apply this lesson outside of myself?

I'm realizing that understanding and awareness can create vastly more change in myself and in others than shame and guilt can. I think shame and guilt are the easy way out. They're kind of the lazy way out. And frankly, and I actually almost like that reframe because, you know, high achievers, the last thing we want to be is lazy, right? So if we realize that shame and guilt are the easy ways out and that it actually is the lazy way of getting yourself somewhere.

Maybe that's the shift that we need to make to start moving toward a more compassionate approach to creating change and to creating progress in ourselves and in others. So lesson 11, shame doesn't work. Lesson 12, you can work a lot and not burn out. This is an observation that I've made. And frankly, I say this immediately knowing that I need to acknowledge that I'm not giving myself or anybody else a free pass on overworking. I'm not saying.

You can work a lot and not burn out. So therefore you should just go work a shit ton. I'm not saying that. What I'm saying by making that observation and by acknowledging that lesson is that burnout is so holistic and burnout is so multifaceted. And that what I have taught, what I have learned is that if I know my values, if I'm checking in with my values, if I'm constantly looking for ways to pour into myself, I can work a lot and not burn out.

Ellyn Schinke (13:46.468)

because I am pouring into myself just as much as I am pouring out of myself. You know, I feel like, and I want to, I'm going to record a podcast on this in the future about how I feel like it's interesting the difference between, you know, I feel like a lot of people, they continue to live their life as if they're single. Like they get into a new relationship and that relationship is an add -on to everything they already do instead of trying to make a, you know, a consolidation somewhere. That they have a kid and that kid is now an add -on to their responsibilities instead of doing less.

I think a lot of us approach life as if we're single as if we're still single We're just adding these new components to our life would really what it needs to be is it needs to be a shift Now what does that have to do with you can work a lot not burn out well frankly because I want to record a podcast episode on that on this notion of that we can still that that while a lot of us are operating as if we're single and frankly that single people what they can do and they have the capacity to do is instead of pouring their energy and effort into a

child or something like that, they're pouring their energy and effort into the things that they're creating. And I feel like that for me, that's the legacy I want to leave is I want to shift a lot about our culture, but I don't want to use that as a free pass either to be a workaholic and not have a life outside of my work. So you can work a lot and not burn out because burnout is holistic, but again, not a free pass to let yourself do that. Now related to this, Less Number 13 is that having multiple sources of fulfillment is a game changer. I

firmly believe and I've talked about this before that one of the biggest reasons why I can work a lot and not burn out is because I have multiple sources of fulfillment. It's not just about my coaching clients. It's about my coaching clients and my speaking clients. It's not just about those clients. It's about the students that I work with. It's not just about the students that I work with. It's about this podcast. It's about the articles that I write and the interviews that I do and the podcasts that I'm on. All of those things are sources of fulfillment, but it's not even just that. It's

being able to carry my ass up a mountain when I go hiking in the summer. It's the ability to, you know, I honestly find fulfillment in little things like creating a painting that nobody's gonna see and singing in the car and the amount of, you know, I don't know, the amount of steps I get in every day. I get fulfillment out of...

Ellyn Schinke (16:03.62)

You know, the fact that I'm going to dinner as I record this, I'm going to dinner in a week on my birthday. So actually, as you're listening to this, I'm going to dinner with my grandma and having and being able to navigate tumultuous relationships. And the fact that me and this grandma had a little tiff a couple of years ago, but that we're better now and that we're going to spend my birthday together this year. I find fulfillment in that. I find fulfillment in how I show up in my emotional self -care. And I find fulfillment in, you know, the ways the ways in which I spend my time.

are all ways in which fulfill me. And I think thinking of fulfillment like that and extending it beyond work and extending it to all of the different types of work that you do, I think is a really, really important thing for us in really feeling like our lives are being well lived. And it might seem like I'm just kind of throwing darts at these parts of my life and saying, this is fulfilling to me, but it truly is. It truly is. I don't think there's, like there's hardly anything.

that I spend my time doing that I'm actively, you know, doing in my life that I'm like choosing to do in my life. There's very few things that I don't find worthwhile in it. So lesson number 13 is most of what I worry about doesn't happen. I think this was a realization I had, especially as I started really tackling emotional self care and emotional burnout is that I feel I find journaling so powerful because it gave me a really, really productive and effective waste place to.

channel worry and anxiety and just that uncertainty stress that can come up as we're navigating life. And it taught me that I just need to process it. I need to deal with the worries and the concerns and the anxieties that I have. Otherwise, they are so pervasive and they can just affect me so negatively. But when I realized that once they are out of my head and out of my body, really, they don't affect me anymore. They're dealt with. They're fine.

And I think that really made me realize that a lot of those worries are so fabricated and a lot of them are so unnecessary for me to have because they don't really happen. It's just me. It's almost like that lizard brain part of that primitive side of my brain that is just trying to take care of me. So that's lesson number 14. Most of what I worry about doesn't happen.

Ellyn Schinke (18:23.076)

Lesson number 15 is that no phone mornings and time with loved ones are the absolute best. I think the mornings where I'm like, that was a perfect morning. That's exactly what I wanted are the mornings where I really didn't get on my phone immediately. You know, the times with my friends are the times where I don't have my phone out the entire time are the times that I'm like, that was amazing. I literally went out with my friends this past Saturday night as I record this to celebrate my birthday and another one of my friend's birthdays. And we all went dancing. We, you know, met up.

and we stayed out really, really late and then we went dancing and I didn't take any pictures. I didn't take any pictures, I didn't take any videos. I don't have any documentation of that night, which is maybe a bad thing, but like that memory lives so vividly in my brain. And you know, us having tired conversations on the couch when we got back to my friend's apartment after the fact, no documentation, no nothing. It's just a good memory. And sometimes...

We don't have to document it. Sometimes we just got to be in it and that we remember things. I feel like I used to tell myself all the time that I documented everything because I didn't want I didn't want to forget them. But it's amazing how much better you remember those things when we're not documenting at all. So that's lesson number 15 lesson number 16. my God. This is going to be a long episode. Lesson number 16 is small changes are the most important ones. Honestly this I've learned in so many facets of life in my business in my relationships.

It's so much less overwhelming to make a small change. And frankly, it is so much longer lasting to make small changes. That's why I like the book, Tiny Habits so much. It's why I talk about it so much in my work is it is always the most effective and the most important ones are those small lifestyle changes. Like I'm really by all respects, maybe like failing at my health right now, but honestly, I feel vibrant and so healthy right now. And the thing that I've been focusing on is not hitting the gym. It's been walking and hitting a very, very minimal step goal every single day.

So the small changes are the most important ones. 17, lesson number 17 is about the quality of your relationships, not the quantity of them. I feel like everybody hits a point in their life where they start to realize that they're like, well, they feel like they're losing relationships, that their friend group is decreasing and decreasing and decreasing. My friend group is so much smaller now than it was when I was 30, than when I was in my 20s, definitely than when I was in graduate school or college. My friend group is so much smaller now. The people I actively,

Ellyn Schinke (20:47.588)

you know, spend time with is so few. But God, those relationships are so deep and I know I can count on those people, frankly. And the people that even I don't see a ton, there are people from, you know, those past iterations of my life from high school, from college, from graduate school, that if I really needed them, I know they would be there for me. 100 % that I know I could count on them. I know I could call them if I really, really needed to. And I've had a meant I feel like everybody makes that switch at some point where they realize that it is more about.

quality and not the quantity of those relationships. Lesson number 18 on the same kind of vain as relationships, the best friendships are the low maintenance ones. I really do believe this. I will always be there for my friends when they need me, but there is something that I value so much about the friendships where we don't have to talk every single week. We don't have to talk every single month even. We can live literally thousands of miles away from each other and we can maybe not see each other.

hardly ever. And yet there's still such a depth to that relationship. I had a friend who was contemplating coming out for my birthday this year, was constantly contemplating coming out to celebrate with us on Saturday night, was contemplating going on this, you know, little staycation that I just went on. She was going to come with me and she booked a flight and then she canceled it because she realized how stressful it was trying to cram this trip in. And as much as we wanted to see each other, as much as I want to see her,

zero zero negativity or qualms toward the fact that she canceled and literally that was something we reminisced together about is the fact that we have such a low maintenance friendship. We have such a I want to see you absolutely but I don't want to see you at the cost of your sanity and so if you need to cancel cancel. I love relationships that are like that where we can do our own thing and still just be there for each other when we have the capacity and the time to be there for each other. Those are the in my opinion the best friendships.

Lesson 19, the scary thing really is the most worthwhile. Really, really is. Dropping out of grad school was, I'm gonna have to put an explicit warning on this one. It was fucking terrifying. It was fucking terrifying to drop out of graduate school. Absolutely, it was terrifying to give $5 ,000 to this random ass company I found online that I had a little bit of experience with. I knew some people who'd worked with them, but like it was terrifying to give remote year this chunk of change.

Ellyn Schinke (23:13.636)

When I was really unsure if this was legit, if I was gonna enjoy it, it was terrifying to start my business. It was terrifying to step down from being a manager. It was terrifying to go full time this year. But the scary things that I have done have been the most worthwhile. It was terrifying to break up with the last person I dated, frankly, because I didn't wanna hurt them, I didn't wanna piss them off, but it was the best decision I could have made at the time. So the scary thing really is the most worthwhile.

Lesson 20, social media isn't real and comparison is bullshit. I mean, I don't really feel like I need to elaborate on this one, but I feel like that is what I've learned, especially in reflecting how I show up on social media. There are times where I'm not showing up authentically. I pride myself on how authentically I show up on Instagram, but social media really isn't real. Social media really is not real. Everybody, even the people who, even those of us who really pride ourselves on our authenticity are not showing everything on social media.

We are not, you do not see the ugly cries in the bathroom. You do not see the moments where we are literally, unless maybe you follow me, where we are literally in our yoga pants and not dressed up because I'm like in the clothes that I walked in this morning right now. Hey, how you doing? That is Ellen. Social media isn't real. And comparison is bullshit because everybody has a different path than you. Everybody has a different story than you. It's all just, nobody can be compared to anybody else. We really, really can't and we've got to stop doing it.

We've really got to stop. Lesson number 21, the best investments I've ever made are the ones I've made in my health. this is also so true. I was literally thinking about the things that I have spent money on, especially like a chunk of change on over the last couple of years. And the things that I personally feel like are the most worthwhile are the health coaching I just did, Master Year of Metabolism with Katie Salzman. I learned so much. It completely changed the way I approach health. And I'm so excited to see where I'm going to be a year from now. That and my eight sleep.

the eight sleep that I got, which I'm still paying off because it is expensive. But those, honestly, those two investments are the most worthwhile investments I have made in the last year, year and a half, two years, for sure. The best investments I've ever made are the ones I've made in my health. Lesson 22, you cannot pour from an empty cup. I feel like I'm constantly reminded of this. I am constantly reminded that I can pour into my business all I want, but if I'm not pouring back into myself, like I'm going to run out of.

Ellyn Schinke (25:37.924)

I'm gonna run out of energy. I'm gonna run out of capacity to be able to pour. I'm gonna literally not have anything to pour out into my business if I'm not pouring into myself. So that's been huge. Lesson number 23, you can be anything you want, but you cannot do everything. I remember I posted this on social media once and actually didn't get as much traction as I hoped it would, but I feel this every time I see this quote, I feel this to my core.

Because I want to, like I have so many things I want to be and I have so many things I want to create and so many things I want to do. But the more I do this work, especially the more I just live this life, the more I realize I can't do everything all at once. As much as I want to just be able to snap my fingers and have all of these things in place in my life, it got cool. I could snap my fingers and do that, but I'm not going to be able to sustain all of those things in my life. Like I more and more have to realize I have limits.

I have a certain capacity and yeah, I can ebb and flow and there's gonna be some dynamic variation in my capacity over the years, but I have that capacity. I cannot do everything all the time. And I've gotta stop expecting myself to. And you probably do too. Less than 24, boundaries are the best. Boundaries are the best. I know they're hard.

No boundaries are hard. I will never be the person that sugarcoats and says, boundaries are so easy. Just do this, just say this. It is never that simple. It is our mindset around boundaries. It is so many things, but boundaries are the best. And I say this because the times I've been most proud of myself are the times when I've said what I needed, when I said what needed to be said, even if it was scary and uncomfortable to say it.

Ellyn Schinke (27:21.124)

talking about saying, you know, telling loved ones, no, you don't get to comment on my weight and I will literally hang up on you if you do. It has been telling my parents, like, don't call my business not a real job. It has been calling out, you know, ex -boyfriends who made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells around them just in the process of being myself. And even it's been saying the stuff to myself that I needed to say. Having and enforcing the boundaries with myself.

That too. Boundaries are the absolute best. I'm so glad that my relationship with setting boundaries has changed. 25, less than 25, less is more. If you've been following me for a while, you know that I've kind of been on this path of minimizing for a while. I used to live in a 700 square foot one bedroom. I now live in a 500 square foot studio. I used to have so much more stuff than I have now. And I got rid of like half of my wardrobe about a year and a half, two years ago.

I definitely still look around my apartment now and I'm like, I still have too much. I've been on a trying to find my style path as well, which has been a really interesting happy dance of not getting, not accumulating stuff for the sake of accumulating stuff, but also like trying to allow myself to dress better and to embrace style. So this is definitely something that I'm learning, but I do think I've realized that less is more. And every time I contemplate, you know, maybe I want to move into a one bedroom. Maybe I want to get.

bigger space again. The thing I realized, the only thing that I miss about having a bigger space is I miss having a balcony. That's it. That's the only thing that I miss. So if I can move into a studio with a balcony, I'm here for it. But less is more, and that's been a big lesson that I've been learning as well. Lesson 26, staycations are the best. I love how some of these lessons are like big and grandiose, and sometimes some of these lessons are just like so simple. But this has been another lesson that I've learned. I love staycationing.

realize this more and more. Some of my favorite vacations in recent years have been like where I'm like I went to Whistler recently I took out like a summer September time frame trip to Whistler with a friend of mine. I go on staycations all the time. I'm going to Victoria BC very soon. I'm going to Boise with my family in June. Like I love staycations. I particularly want loved ones that I can drive to because they're just so logistically uncomplicated and I think that is what I love so much about staycation.

Ellyn Schinke (29:50.436)

is when I vacation, sometimes I want to get on a plane and go do the, you know, the fun trip somewhere. But a lot of times I just want to get away and I don't want it to be logistically complicated to do that. So that has been another lesson that I've been learning, especially as I've gotten older, is that I actually love staycations. Staycations are the best. Lesson 27, you can always make more money, but you can never get back your time. I think I'm much more willing to spend money on things that I used to not be willing to spend money on if it was going to save me time.

100 % and that is from everything from food prep to to paying for a service in my business to you know, me just taking advantage of opportunities that come to me even if they're gonna cost me money because who knows when they're gonna come up again. Lesson number 28 dating from a place of loneliness never works. I remember when I wrote this down. I was just like dude that really is a lesson that I've learned. It's part of the reason why

I've been on such a dating hiatus for a while. It's the last relationship I got into. I think I got into that relationship from a place of loneliness and not from actually liking the person I was dating, which sounds so shitty to say, but frankly, that is where I was at. So that I think is something that also I learned as well is that I can't date from a place of loneliness. It's never gonna work. But simultaneously, and I actually really glad I put these two lessons right next to each other. Lesson number 29 is there's a big difference between being lonely and just alone.

I live by myself in a 500 square foot apartment. And I spend a lot of my time alone in terms of like my physical time. I spend a lot of my time alone. I'm on calls a lot with people. So mentally and emotionally, I don't feel like I'm alone, but I do spend a lot of my time alone. And I don't, I very rarely feel lonely. Now I'm getting to the place where there's times when I feel lonely, where there's times when I wish there was somebody around.

for me to connect to it. But frankly, the vast majority of the time, I'm just alone. And there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I really don't, lonely feels like you're missing something. Whereas being alone, you were just physically in a space with no other people. And I don't feel like I'm missing something oftentimes when I have that. So that is why this has been such a big lesson for me. Lesson 30, nature is the ultimate stress reliever. I totally believe this. I...

Ellyn Schinke (32:14.436)

get so much by when I go on my walks down by the water and I don't have headphones in and I can hear the water and I can hear the seagulls and I can hear the wind and I can literally smell and taste the salt on the air because it's salt water and the pewter sound. Like nature is the ultimate stress reliever. I fully believe it. Like if you can get out into nature, do it. Like the more you can get out into nature, the better.

Lesson 31, my favorite moments are the ones that I haven't felt the need to validate on social media. I actually feel like I talked about this before when I was talking about that, like I don't need to have my phone around in the morning or when I'm out with loved ones. Like my favorite moments, especially recently have been the ones that didn't go up on social media, that didn't need to be validated on social media. Lesson 32, I don't have to listen to my inner critic. I don't think...

Any high achievers inner critic is ever gonna fully go away. I think it's always gonna be there. But I think what I've started to realize is that I don't have to listen to her. I can tell her to shut up. I can tell her to go eff herself. Like I can tell her, I can tell her whatever I want. I don't have to listen to her just because she's there. And frankly, the less I listen to her, the quieter she gets, which is cool too. Lesson 33, there is a big difference between excuses and reasons. I...

The more I do this work especially, but the more I also just work on myself, I realize that there's a difference between reasons and excuses. A reason is something that is legitimate. Like I can't go on a run today because I literally am recovering from knee surgery. It's a legitimate reason to not go on a run today. I can't go on a run today because I don't have time. That's an excuse. I think that's what I've started to realize as I've gotten older is I call bullshit on my excuses a lot more. And I also give myself a lot more grace when they're truly reasons.

And I think differentiating between the two has been a huge aha for me. Lesson 34, rest ethic is just as important as work ethic.

Ellyn Schinke (34:07.972)

blame the burnout coach in me. But I think the more you can become willing and able to rest, the more you can embrace rest and play and just getting out and doing things unproductively. The more you can embrace unproductivity, the better. Like, because not only does it just help you be more creative and be less stressed and be more productive and so on and so forth, sometimes we just have to start doing things just because and not because they serve some higher purpose. And then lesson 35 is that

wrote some people aren't worth changing or changing for.

And honestly, part of me now wonders if I should even modify that to just be people aren't worth changing or changing for. I do feel like, but I think I want to keep it as some people because I think what I've started to realize is I used to try to fit myself into this nice little box of who I was or who I wanted to be seen as. And I've realized I don't want that anymore. I just want to be myself. And I'm not saying I'm not going to change, but I just want to be able to show up as who I am.

authentically, you know my some of my values are authenticity and belonging and to me belonging really is It's about being able to show up authentically with others and it's also about being able to accept and feel like I belong with myself When I'm showing up authentically, it's really about not just authenticity But how I'm relating to myself and relating to others when I'm showing up authentically That's why I separated that as value and I think I've realized that

It's never worth changing myself, but I also feel like I've realized that it's never worth changing other people. I feel like I used to waste a lot of energy trying to change the people in my life to fit this mold and to fit how I wanted them to behave and how I wanted them to make me feel even. And I think the deeper I get into adulthood and into my thirties, the more I realized that it's just not worth it. It's not worth it. They're always going to be who they want to be.

Ellyn Schinke (36:09.092)

in the same way that I'm always going to be who they want to be. And if that means that we don't jive and we don't fit, that's okay. We can move on. I think I wish I've always been a person who was very authentic in themselves and always knew exactly who they were, but I'm not. I haven't been that person. I haven't had that experience in my life. And I think that has forced me to realize that it's never served me to try to fit myself into that box, but it also never serves me to try to shove other people into that box either.

So there we go. Those are my 35 lessons in 35 years. And I'm really grateful you joined me on this. I'm really grateful to share these lessons with you. I would love to hear what are some lessons you've learned, you know, in your years, however many of them there have been, maybe it's 42, maybe it's 28, you know, however many years you have lived. What are some of the lessons you've learned in those years? I would love it if you'd head on over to Instagram, shoot me a DM. Again, I'm at Coach Ellen, E -L -L -Y -N. I know this has been a longer episode.

I've been a lot of lessons to get through in this time, but I appreciate for you being on this ride with me and I appreciate you listening. And I would love to hear what some of those lessons are for you. So head on over to Instagram, shoot me a DM. I would love to hear from you. And with that, my friend, I will talk to you next time. Bye.