Dating Disasters: Saga of a Single Girl - Mr. Needy
In case you missed the intro post to this series, I actively decided this year that I would start dating again. I never consciously decided to stop, but with juggling everything I've been juggling, I didn't prioritize dating and meeting new people. My romantic life has always been putting on the back burner, and in my own re-evaluation of my life this past fall, I realized that I really needed to figure things out here, and really figure out what I'm looking for. And it's been a hell of an experience so far...
Online dating has brought some interesting people into my life. Interesting, frustrating, and enlightening people, really. And after relaying story after story to friends...they told me I REALLY needed to chronicle this somewhere! So why not here? And that's exactly what I'm going to do! So, to kick things off, I'm going to tell you about...
Backstory: I met a guy online who earned the title of Mr. Needy. I could describe what happened with this guy, but I figure why not just reiterate the conversations we had? We chatted online, got along decently well, and I gave him my number so we could chat a little more and coordinate meeting up. But, the conversation fizzled, and we stopped talking. Actually, I forgot to respond to one text. I was fine with the fact that things fizzled because I really didn't think that we had any sort of chemistry. For me, via texting, that means good conversation. Then all of a sudden, a week later, I get a text from him again. My thinking is, "Okay - why not give this another try?" Ha - I'm so naive! I'll just have to relay this conversation exactly as it happened. Because I'm still so confused about what exactly went down here. You may disagree with how I handled some of these things, but, that's life, and I did the best I could considering how confusing, frustrating, and overwhelming all of these interactions were!
Note: During these texting conversations, my commentary may be littered throughout in parentheses in bold!
Mr. Needy: The One Missed text...
Mr. Needy: "Why won't you text me. And let me take you out. Don't you like me?"
Me: "Haha I didn't reply once cuz I was sick and busy." (I literally didn't reply to one text message of his....). "It wasn't like I was ignoring you."
Mr. Needy: "That's why I never text you back. Never text someone twice." (smh)
Me: "I don't really believe in those rules. Be yourself and the right person won't give a shit if you text twice in a row."
Mr. Needy: "Talk to every girl I ever knew."
Me: "Well I'm not like every girl."
Mr. Needy: "Half way there. You never text me."
Me: "Haha wow okay I'm sorry I never texted you back. I have had a lot going on. If you were so bothered by my not texting you, and you weren't supposed to text twice, why did you text me again?"
Mr. Needy: "Cause I had nothing to lose. And all I was just saying is you never texted back. But you been on some dates" ... (which I don't remember telling him..weird...how does he know?) "So you weren't so busy. But it's not big deal. I have had girls tell me time in again that if we want to text you back we will text you back. I have text girls twice in the same day and I see that it doesn't work for me. They get mad. So I just thought it's been a week. Maybe it be ok to text you. I don't want to make anyone mad. But I just have a hard time no doing that. Idk. I got a problem."
(Note that I actually edited a lot of that. His texts didn't actually make that much sense.)
Me: "You know what dude, I owe you nothing. I went on dates with people who texted me and didn't fuss when they didn't hear from me. I have been busy. I don't need to explain myself to you. It was perfectly fine for you to text me. I was happy you did. But you're making a big deal about not hearing for me once and it's stupid. I have been sick for 3 weeks. I lost my voice. I had a departmental presentation. I had recruiting for my graduate school. And we weren't communicating with each other. That's it. If it's that big of a deal to you just drop it and start talking to someone else. But I have too much going on in my life to deal with this. That's it. I would've been happy to go out and get to know each other after not chatting for a while. But all this pointing fingers is exhausting already so you know what - I'd rather not."
Mr. Needy: "Alright I understand. See I told you. I just have issues. I make people mad.
Me: "I wasn't mad until you started pointing fingers at me. I liked you. But if my lack of availability is already an issues it's not gonna work. I'm busy. It is how it is. There isn't anything wrong with you. This just isn't gonna work if me not responding once is already a problem. But you know good luck to you! I mean that. You've got a lot going for you. This just isn't going to work."
He then proceeded to grovel and say how he just was insecure about whether I was enjoying talking to him. And it made me realize something. Maybe guys are just as insecure as women are about this whole dating thing! Maybe they also have thoughts about whether they're engaging enough, attractive enough, etc. I mean - it seems pretty logical, right?
He needed validation that I was into him. He wanted to know that I liked him. Maybe I felt he went about it in the wrong way - but I think that's where a lot of this all came from. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to give him a second chance.
And we talked a little more. But, similarly to what happened before, the conversation wasn't engaging. At times, it was even a little irritating. I'd ask him questions which he'd respond to, but there was never anywhere to take it. His responses weren't conversational. They were short, half sentences, and he didn't really make it something you could continue conversing about. And he didn't actually ask me anything about myself until 5 days later. Previously, it had all been very one-sided. Even at that point, the conversation just remained very weird.
MR. Needy: When Shit HiT's The Fan...
By Sunday, he was texting again, but this time, things started to irritate me. After lackluster conversation all week, a conversation which most of the time I didn't even feel like responding to because there was just so little good banter there, shit started to hit the fan again. In the sense that he was pointing fingers at me again. All of sudden he texted: "We need to meet soon."
Now let me clarify why this bothered me. Initially, it was because our conversation had been so un-engaging all week, it was really hard for me to believe that he was still feeling it cuz I definitely wasn't. But more than that, I really didn't appreciate the fact that he didn't actually ask me out. He told me that we need to meet soon. And that wasn't an ask. Even after he sent this, his response was "we should go to a hockey game." Now, call me old fashion, but I appreciate when a guy actually ASKS me out. "Would you like to go out on Friday? Would you be interested in going to a hockey game with me?" that's what I was expecting. Call me uptight, or a little feminist, or whatever...but I didn't like the "We need to..." or the "we should..." about his approach. Also, this wasn't the first person I'd met online, and the first two (which I'll get to in future posts!) didn't end super well. So I was trying to be more patient and more selective. And I still didn't really like the way he had treated me the week before. So I told him that.
Me: "Can I be frank with you? I'm not ready to meet up. I'm still not all that happy about what went down with you last week, and I don't like that you are in such a hurry to meet up when we haven't even established we have any sort of chemistry. Especially that you don't even ask. You just tell me what we should as you say "need" to do.
Mr. Needy: "I understand. Anyways, I thought you said you like me. (I never said this.) Anyways, have fun at your party tonight.
Me: "You too. Have fun with your dad." (This seems like a definitive end to the conversation, right? I thought so. He didn't though.)
Mr. Needy: "Maybe you're right. This may not work."
Me: "I agree."
Mr. Needy: "Just cause we need to hang out. Sorry for being straight forward. (Um that's not what I had a problem with...) Got a problem with that. I'll work on that. And you work on returning text. (I only don't respond to you because I don't like talking to you...) But actually you'll be fine. Cause you get dates. So who knows. Honestly I don't even remember what you look like. So sorry for wanting to meet."
At this point, I just got irritated. He didn't seem to understand why I was frustrated. And he didn't seem to want to let it go. I thought he was going to drop, but he didn't. He proceeded to tell me what I need to work on (which in and of itself pissed me off!), and made me feel, once again like he was pointing fingers at me. Like I was being a bitch or leading him on because I decided I didn't want to go out with him.
I am independent person. Always have been and always will be. But, if I like someone, I will communicate. I will make the effort to hang out with them. However, all that changes when you push me too hard, point fingers at me, or accuse me of things I haven't done. It's a quick way to put any person on the defense - especially me.
I was getting fed up with this guy treating me like I owed him something. That simply because he had shown interest in me and that he had texted me that I owed it to him to go out with him. And I didn't see it that way at all. This was TOO MUCH DRAMA already, so finally, I just said to him:
Me: "So how bout we just call this what it is - something that isn't going to work. Good luck with everything."
Kind of seems like a finite, "let's end things" kind of comment, right? Wrong, wrong, wrong! Wrong again!
Mr. Needy: "It's not going to work cause we both point at each other. No reason to call it quits. We just have to get to know each other more." (WTF?!?)
I literally couldn't believe it. I felt like I was blatantly telling this guy off. I mean how much more obvious can you get than saying that this "isn't going to work." That's like textbook break-up lingo. I was trying to be as polite as possible about it, ya, but this dude didn't get it. He still felt that we needed to meet, which just BLEW me away! How is it possible that after having not even gone on a date yet and having 2 basically fights meeting each other and getting to know each other better would help ANYTHING at all?!
I was so irritated, and aggravated. I mean, I don't think my train of thought was odd! We're arguing and pointing fingers at each other already. So call it what it is, but it's not good. And we haven't even met yet! Why would anyone ever want to meet when this is how things start?!
So, finally, I just said: "No If we have this much of a problem already it's not going to work."
I don't know why I thought that would help him to see the light...I still cringe at the fact that this dude was this dense.
Mr. Needy: "Just call it quits cause we have issues. With one person wanting to meet and the other person doesn't want to meet. (Ya - I'd say that's a pretty good reason this won't work out!) We are trying to make a relationship over. You can't make it work over text. (We haven't even gone on ONE DATE yet!! There's no relationship here!) You have to meet and see how it goes. You gone on dates with guys that don't work out. Maybe if we meet you never know.
Me: "This is exhausting already. I'm sorry but I don't want to meet. This is already causing so many problems. I don't want to meet. Just accept it and move on."
And this is where things get comical. Because the guy who was so eager to get together, who was so persistent and so insistent that we meet up went from being naively stuck on the idea of us going out to...
Mr. Needy: "Peace out bitch." ...
I legitimately burst into laughter! I mean - I have been telling this guy bluntly since basically day 1 that I'm not cool with the way he does things. I never lead him on. I told him exactly what I was thinking. And because it finally clicked with him that I actually was serious about not going out, he resorted to "Peace out bitch." I don't know if this made him feel like he was "dumping" me, or what. But I got a good laugh out of it. He proceeded to tell me that I'm the "ok one", which I think was meant to be a diss, and finally I was just incredibly over it.
Now, I consider myself relatively polite. Maybe blunt, but relatively polite. I won't call anyone names unless they have earned it. And this dude earned it. So, I dropped the nice-girl act and finally did what I probably should've done a long time ago...I blocked his ass! But not after some choice words...
Me: Lol ok cuz a chick doesn't wanna go out with you she's a bitch. You're hilarious. And getting blocked. To quote you - peace out bitch.
Mr. Needy - here's your lesson...
Guys who may or may not be reading this...DON'T DO THIS EVER! Don't let your vulnerabilities get the better of you, because that's the fastest way to scare a girl away! Don't point fingers and tell a girl what she needs to work on before you've even met. It will just piss her off, like it did me! This guy dumped all of his insecurities about whether or not I liked him, was enjoying talking to him, actually wanted to meet, etc. in my lap - and I think it's a pretty human reaction to NOT want to deal with all that baggage in a relationship that hasn't even started yet. I get insecurity, and I can have compassion for it. But when you ask me to shoulder all your insecurity right from the get-go, I'm sorry but you haven't earned that yet. Honestly and openness is great in a relationship, but don't dump all that in a girl's lap before you even go out with her once. It will scare her away!
Ladies - I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Online dating is hard and confusing, and definitely not an ideal situation. So if somebody makes a mistake or says something they regret, give them a second chance. I believe in that, and that's what I tried to do with Mr. Needy. But, with that being said, NEVER let a guy push you around or make you feel bad for any emotions he's stirring in you! NEVER feel pressured to feel more or less than you feel, even if it's frustration or irritation. NEVER feel pressured to or do more than you want to do, even if all that falls into "do"-ing is just meeting up with someone. If you don't want it, if they have sufficiently scared you away, if you're just not feeling the chemistry, that is FINE. Feel that and communicate that because there ain't nothin' wrong with that. He might throw it back in your face. He might use what you said against you. But guess what? You've done nothing wrong! You're allowed to change your mind. It might piss him off, and it might result in him calling you names like Mr. Needy did with me. But - and pardon my French - FUCK any guy who tries to make you feel bad for your honesty and candor.
This guy - oh! This guy! I don't even know what to say about him...but I guess in general I will say this...Mr. Needy - you were one of the most entertaining individuals I've ever met. And not in a good way. I've told your story more times than I can count, and it hasn't even been a week. No girl is going to shoulder your baggage and insecurities before you've earned that from her. NO girl. That's it.
I may be a "bitch" but this bitch is so happy she dropped you like a ton of bricks. Because I sure as hell don't have time in my life for all this drama!
So that's my first round of dating disasters...stay tuned for more! Cuz this single girl's saga is just getting started!
Until next time - peace out! ;-)