That is legit a thought that has gone through my head during the first month or so of this Remote Year process.
Ironic right? I’m traveling the world with a bunch of really awesome, intelligent, passionate, completely diverse people in cities I frankly never thought I’d visit at this time in my life. Hell, about 6 weeks ago I was trudging through
In the past 6 months, my days have gone from beer festivals, 5k’s, Tough Mudders and random nights out with this
I regret that a little bit now. Especially as I’ve made some realizations about myself in the last few weeks about why I am the way I am
OPENING UP IS HARD FOR ME.
I think I’ve always been a guarded person. Too often I’ve been taken advantage of by the people closest to me, dating back to high school, which has made me really cautious about who I actually let myself open up to. Seemingly every time I did get hurt by someone, it was right after fully revealing myself to them. I think many of us can relate to that. Most of the time that was ex-boyfriends. But in late college and graduate school, it became my friends too. Whether it was a friend sharing something deeply personal that I was really ashamed of with someone that didn’t earn the right to know, or someone that I thought was my friend taking something I was really proud of and throwing it back in my face, these situations have made me
I had a call a few weeks back with my
I keep finding myself unwillingly coming back to these situations where I’ve been burned in the past, justifying my lack of openness by this protection that keeping myself tightly bottled up provides for me. I was actually quoted the other day saying that “I’m much more fun when I’m drunk” because I am. I am able to get out of my head and just relax and enjoy myself, but I also don’t want to be the person who can only open up, have fun, let loose and be themselves when they’re drunk. That was actually one of my unwritten and unspoken goals coming into this experience: to not let this experience be like college. What I mean is that I didn’t want alcohol to be my soul avenue for social comfort. I didn’t want to depend upon it to open up and to flirt and to be and do all of these things. It’s why I’ve cut back on drinking so much after the first
So, I dove in as much as I could possibly handle in Buenos Aires. I’d go out, I’d hang out, I’d socialize. But, for someone like me, who is naturally introverted, to go from my hermit-
GIVING MYSELF TIME FOR MYSELF.
Around our 3rd or 4th week in Buenos Aires, I drastically started cutting back. I cut back on drinking, I cut back on going out, and I cut back on socializing. I felt bad at first, especially because I had someone comment to me that “I don’t go out enough.” I told them that I couldn’t go out that much, and to
For me, I need a lot of time alone. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m much more of
It started after one of the craziest, most fun-filled, action-packed weekends of this adventure thus far. It started with a Thursday afternoon flight to Iguazu Falls where we spent the next 2 days packing in as much exploring and enjoying ourselves as possible, followed by a day of learning, watching and playing polo, complete with the first time I have ever cantered and galloped on a horse (it was kind of an accident haha). It had been 4 straight days of activity and socializing, and I was exhausted. So, when I had the opportunity to take a Monday afternoon street art tour in Palermo all by myself (which you can check out pictures from here), I’m not going to lie, I relished it.
Now that we’re in Cordoba, a city with chill vibes and an outdoorsy-spirit that I totally am loving, I guess I feel like I’m finally giving myself permission to introvert more. Maybe because there’s less stuff to do, maybe it’s because I’m living with 3 other girls, 2 of which are totally introverts like me who love downtime, or maybe it’s because I’ve finally adjusted to Remote Year and I no longer feel the need to do all the things all the time. Whatever the reason, I finally feel like I’m finding my rhythm. Sometimes it means taking a Sunday to sleep in, do my routines, grocery shopping and meal prep, not leaving the house at all until
Like getting up much earlier than my roommates every morning just because I like the solitude of reading when everyone else is sleeping.
Like walking to the
Like heading up to the balcony at the
I’ve found that the little moments work wonders for me. They allow me to introvert in a crowd. And now that I’ve found my rhythm, I feel like I’m becoming more myself in this experience. And I love that.