As I glance down at my Star Wars pajama bottoms, sipping on red wine, reading a book about failing on yet ANOTHER night, a little voice in my head says – “Ha! No wonder you’re single!” lol
But for real though…there has been a part of me that hated being that perpetually single girl. That dreaded seeing my family over the holidays because they would inevitably ask the question: “Are you still single?”
It kind of made me feel like something was wrong with me to always say, “Yes. Yes I am…”
Especially as I would see all of my cousins in long-term relationships, my brother get married to my beautiful sister-in-law (she will argue with that statement but 😛 be quiet this is my facebook post haha). Literally, even one of my youngest cousins is in a longer relationship than I’ve ever been in.
It made me feel like I wasn’t enough if I wasn’t in a relationship.
And yet I am perfectly happy with my single life.
As of right now, it’s been YEARS since I’ve been in a relationship. Hell, by some people’s standards I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. And I’m sure there are reasons for that. Ways in which I hold myself back. But the bottom line for me was that for a long time, I didn’t like who I was in relationships.
It wasn’t that I changed who I was per se. Not around my friends at least. But around my significant other, I definitely did. I would cater to their likes and dislikes, their way of life. Not because they asked that of me, and not because they had done anything wrong. But because I wanted them to see a future with me so badly. I wanted to make them happy.
And it was often at the expense of making myself happy.
When I started to notice that I was doing this, I told myself “I’m not going to get into another relationship until I figure myself out.” Ha. Ya that lasted a few months. After after that relationship, same thing.
Until I stopped that shit.
And I’m not going to lie, in the process of finally saying “eff it – I’m not going to be this person anymore…” a relationship ended. That was hard. But I NEEDED to figure my shit out. For me.
Not for anyone else.
I needed to not only learn who I was, but BE CONFIDENT in that person. I needed to not go into this chameleon mode where only certain people got to see certain sides of me. I needed to be MYSELF, completely, authentically, and unapologetically with EVERYONE I met and EVERYONE I was around. As I’ve figured that out, I’ve tried to start dating again.
And it has been an effing disaster.
Not because there weren’t good guys. But I was dating because I felt like I should be! Not because I wanted to be.
I’m in my late 20s. I should want to find a husband, settle down. But, I’m not going to lie, there are more important things to me on my radar.
Don’t get me wrong. I want a serious relationship. I want to meet someone to spend the rest of my life with. I have my moments when I want that comfort and that understanding, always having a partner-in-crime, someone to cuddle with…all that cheesy Nicholas Sparks crap. (I love Nicholas Sparks btw #sappyromantic)
I honesty didn’t really WANT a relationship. And I pushed a lot of really good people away. But I wanted to be single. Weird as that may be.
I want to build a life that I am freaking JAZZED about instead of building a life around another person.
There will come a time when that is important in my life. But it isn’t and hasn’t been now.
I’ve simply learned that there’s a BIG difference between being lonely and alone.
And that if I continue to build and discover my life and owning who I am as a person, then when I do meet someone, that someone is going to be around for the rest of my life.
I’m not saying that finding someone to be with early in your life is wrong. I envy people in those relationships in so many ways. But that’s never been the story for me. And I’m just now starting to become okay with that.
Last time I was home, my grandpa asked me “Are you dating anyone?” Cue the eye rolls. So I gave him my very well-rehearsed answer. “No, I’m still not.”
Imagine my surprise, though, when instead he said “That’s okay. They don’t deserve you.” 🙂 Thanks Grandpa Larry!
I’m glad to say I’m getting to the point where I agree with you. 😉 I didn’t feel that way a few years ago. But now I do.
One day, I’m going to find someone that will prove us both wrong. I know that. And I’m excited for that day. Whether that day is tomorrow or 10 years from now, who know.
But until then, the next time I’m asked if I’m still single, I’m going to proudly and confidently smile and give a big “yes!”